Respectfully,
i see her in my dreams. it’s where we always meet. when i wake i lose memory of it and i forget what it means to dream.
Love is blind. It isn’t until after we fall out of it, do we begin to see clearly again. And so…
Do you ever break your own heart?
Heartbreak. Breaking the heart when something deep was felt, afraid of where it may go and so breaking it apart. Heartbroken and heartbreaking. A hurt experienced spontaneously, sabotaging without even realizing. To stop the heart from falling in love. But a part hoping for something different, only done to release briefly. And should the heart break from the first love, then it would be the inverse, the other way around. The light in shadows. What is love? Was it only real if it was said… and even then how does that feel?
A hope that things may be different this time around, to be the one worth waiting for, the reason. Not to change the other but to accept, and grow, and when together, a trust that they were the only ones meant for each other. Because jealousy, jealousy is a lack of self-esteem and security. That of which is regained in working on the self, in spending time for the self, doing things for yourself. Do you value yourself? What are your priorities in life? Does health, love, and family rise above the rest? What is your value if the heart was in pieces? To strive for a prestige, reaching above, beyond, and not settling for anything less.
So when she passed away, he lost that feeling of hope for so long. If only memories left in song.
if anything ever happens to me, promise me. promise me, you’ll find someone who will make you happy.
It was a modern tradition, church bells tolling, oaths sworn of sealed path. He adorned the armour and drew his weapon; it was bold, as it was brave. A request of blessing, for the daughter’s hand in matrimony before disposition. In wait upon a welcoming invitation flickering on safe return.
Phones weren’t allowed at the dining table. It was a time to spend eating and in the company. Even outside of it, consumption should be supplemental- to read, to learn, to spend time outside- productivity, to develop a way to live and think, not spending so much time mindlessly. There was a time and place for everything, and to grow, to be bright, talented, and physically healthy/ fit- develop habits that reach your goals. Baby steps at first, to make it easier. And as you get stronger, and stronger. To reach the dreams. Straying away shortly, for a vacation, a reminder, a time away.
4 missed calls. 3 from Dad, 1 number she didn’t recognize, probably a telemarketer. She forgot her phone downstairs. He rarely calls me three times in a row she thought, it wasn’t a good feeling but she wasn’t worried, her father could take care of himself. She was about to call him back when her phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Summer? I have you listed as an emergency contact..."
As she heard the news she dropped her phone mid conversation and ran to the hospital forgetting everything behind. There was a fire. Her father ran into the building to save the family trapped inside. Firefighters hosing down the house with water. A candle had fallen and the house caught fire. Through the rubble, the burning smoke, the falling debris, he came out carrying protecting a girl in his arms and a boy in the other. A breathing mask that was on the girl’s face, the jacket covering the boy’s body. Their mother hugging them in sobs, not letting them go. He used to be a firefighter, retired and teaching university students in his free time. The medics just arriving on the scene. He was old now and his body was no longer able to take the smoke inhalation, the burns, the beating. December 14, 2003. (In loving memory of Audrey, Sander, and Rebecca Harden)
She sat by the hospital bed all night never leaving his side, drops of tear rolling down her cheeks, snow gently falling down the window behind her. She joked halfheartedly, knowing he was going to get hurt one day always trying to be a hero.
He succumbed to his wounds. He passed later that day… only hearing the words of his daughter through closed eyes. She lost her faith that day, it was all pointless. Meaningless. God surely did not exist. A life that must’ve been simply just that, a life to an eternal end. There was a voicemail he left for her moments right before he decided to do something crazy, the last words of the immediate family she had left in this town. She still listens to it whenever times were hard.
In the approaching presence of the moon intersections to the night, the moment was still. A glimmer frozen to the beautiful ever expanding horizon in rotation, as hues illuminate spectrums of gradients in passing.
